apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
