so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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