Pants 0. Shit 1.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
