So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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