Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
