I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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