if you like me you must not know who I am
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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