I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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