I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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