it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
