when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
