I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
