I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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