i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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