1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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