I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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