My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think my vagina is haunted
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
