meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
