I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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