It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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