The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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