By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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