The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
