So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
