So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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