just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
