He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
