You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
