This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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