No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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