the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
