Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
