I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize