Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
