Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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