Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
