I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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