I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
