My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
