I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
