This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
