I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
