I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
