I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
