i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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