I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
