Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
