some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
