just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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