you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
