I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
