I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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