he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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