i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
