youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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