I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
